I have always felt that if I didn't fill every moment of every day with something, then I was wasting my life. I have rushed headlong into whatever needed to be done each day, often colliding with several doorways and pieces of furniture on the way gathering bruises, busy, busy, busy. It's not wrong to fill every moment and to want that satisfaction at the end of the day but I am learning that is also okay to slow down.
I have retired at the age of 60, how lucky am I? Our online business did not survive the combined onslaught of closing it for several months a year for three years, the ebay changes making a small business near impossible, tax changes for small businesses run from home, and grief muddled brains. We had no choice but to close our shops. We didn't see this as a disaster but as part of our journey, a chapter closed, and a chance now to do something different. And we were lucky because we both have pensions we could claim from 60 and as we don't have an extravagant or expensive life style we can manage just fine. In fact we now have a guaranteed income every month, for the first time in almost 20 years!
I know my slow down may look very different to a slow down in someone else's life (I think my family get tired just reading my whatsapp texts of what I've been doing sometimes!) and that's okay because we are all different people, with different needs. If you were to watch a typical day in my life you may wonder if I know the definition of the word slow, so let me explain.
By slowing down, I don't mean sitting on the couch all day, although I have to admit I do have a drink in bed each morning rather than getting up with the alarm. I am still physically active. I walk most days, a brisk walk of about 30 minutes, but although my steps are fast my mind is slow. I do a 10 minute exercise after sitting and rewriting a chapter, I cycle outdoors or indoors probably three times a week. So, it's not a physical slow down because I want to be cycling and walking in 30 years time and I know it's important to keep my body strong and agile. I have always found walking brilliant for my health both physically and mentally and also cycling with my husband over the past several years. The physical exercise in nature brings a peace. A slow peace, but I always saw walking and cycling as a form of exercise and often multi-tasked by thinking of short stories to write, or listening to music, or recording ideas, but now I value them for what they are. One step at a time, one pedal stroke at a time, observing, listening, using my senses to enjoy the now. Focusing on moving forward in that precise moment, and leaving the subconscious brain to meander where it wants.
I still like to achieve something or several things every day, but that achievement may consist of sitting in front of a fire and finishing reading a book, relaxing, not thinking about anything in particular. This may be a rare day, but it happens. Sometimes I spend almost two hours reading in the bath. I don't see these things as a waste of my time anymore. I enjoy them. I need them.
Slowing down for me is an inner slow down, a focus. Not thinking about the next thing but putting attention on the now thing. I am focusing fully on rewriting a chapter most days, and in the past I would be trying to hurry it so I could do other writing things, and yes some days have a moment of frustration when the chapter takes all my writing hut time, but I am learning to shrug and enjoy becoming lost in the story again. This blog will be written and finished when it is, there is no hurry. I have no deadlines, just the joy of creating thoughts with words.
And it's weird but although I have slowed down, my days are still filled to the brim, I get loads done, and I go to sleep happy, although I admit not totally bruise free. I guess I'm like a toddler learning to walk as I learn to slow and focus. Step by step with a few wobbles and falls along the way.
But I feel like there are more hours in the day. That I've slowed time by increasing my focus on now. How amazing is that?
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