FEAR OF RETURN
It doesn’t matter what you believe or what you use, there are many ways to tap into your self-conscious beliefs about yourself.
There are 2 days before I leave for the UK. And for the first time in many weeks when I lay in bed memories of the last few weeks of my mum in laws life and the last couple of months of my dads swirled around in my head. Negative, guilt ridden. I pushed them away again and again until sleep claimed me. I know I’ve put it behind me and moved on, but shadows linger.
This morning as I entered my writing hut, I was jittery, I felt a knot in my stomach and it wasn’t about writing, but about going back physically to the place where I fell into a dark hole, and being worried that I would go back emotionally and spiritually too. I needed help or reassurance that I am strong enough to leave the past behind and enjoy each day as I have been. What difference does a change of scenery make? But I was scared. I saw the flower card pack and remembered saying I’d try a reading one day, and people being interested if I did.
I did a 4-card reading.
I focused on my fear, being scared not to have the strength to remain in the present when back in the UK. Never wanting to be back in the dark place.
I closed my eyes and choose one flower card from each suit representing past, present, future and true self. I didn’t look at the cards until they had all been chosen and I had turned them flower side up.
Past – I chose Snowdrops.
The words on the card were about keeping the past in its place and living in the present.
I didn’t feel a deep emotional connection to the words but more an understanding that releasing the past, learning from it, and being grateful for it is what I have been doing. For regrets and longing to have done things differently is not a good use of my energy.
I cannot change my past words and actions however much I may wish to. Of course, there are still shadows of this in my subconscious, that is why last night was awash with negative thoughts.
I have been accepting and leaving the past in the past, and I can continue to do so. I will picture snowdrops when I am tempted to reminisce on the ‘could have been different’ scenarios.
Present – I chose Evening Primrose
As I read the words on the card, tears welled. Tears flowed as I read the whole page and meaning of this flower.
It is all about self-love, something I struggle with. Something I have struggled with my whole life.
It emphasises that I deserve to be loved and many are there for me with arms full of love, but I need to accept that I am worthy of their love. A lot of denial and discomfort welled up as I read this page.
What I did feel comfortable with was the idea of loving myself 1% more that I did before. Tiny steps. When I do think of something I don’t like about myself to stop, breath and feel compassion for that part of me.
Phew, I have some work to do.
Future – I chose Oriental Poppy
I did not feel the same emotional response as I did to the last card. This one is about abundance.
I know I have abundance in my life, but as I read the page, I realised that this was also about self-worth and self- belief.
If I leave the past where it is and be grateful for it, if I learn to love all parts of myself then I can have self-belief in my creativity, and I will create words and art that reach other people and make a positive difference in their life.
That sounds like a lovely future me.
My True Self –
I was hesitant to look at this card. Scared to feel and see something about me I didn’t want to know. I know that sounds weird when its just words and a photo of a flower, but these cards are poking my subconscious.
I chose Foxglove.
This flower’s message is about healing. That I am a healer. This surprised me and didn’t feel helpful, although I have been drawn to the healing arts since I was healed many years ago. I have done courses on massage and reflexology and completed two levels in Reiki. I did think about becoming a healer once, and not too long ago I wondered about practising Reiki privately here, and yet there is a reluctance and I wonder if it stems from my lack of self- love and belief. I have always wanted to make people’s lives better, easier, and this has caused me so much trouble.
The words suggest being grateful for where I am or choosing to follow a healing path. I think I may have walked beyond that path but I hope in time I can create stories and art that help others to heal some part of their life.
What do I think about these cards?
I like them. They are pretty and I love flowers so why not use them to self-evaluate? They pushed a button or two, they surprised me, and they made sense. I feel better now, more determined that I am strong enough to not fall into old ways despite ‘going back’ physically.
Will I use them again?
Yes.
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