Grief 6 - The Ground Quivered Again
Two weeks ago, this is where I was in my journey.
The ground quivered again,
Frustration,
The trials and passions of existence,
I am tired.
So tired, fighting to get out of bed, body aching, forcing myself to walk or cycle and then that is it for the day. No energy left. Beginning to wonder if there is something amiss in my physical body. Would that be a relief, that its physical and not an emotional and mental issue?
Tired at the bleakness, the blanket of fatigue that wraps around me, a strangle hold on my heart that thumps and aches. Where has my wonderful energy gone? That positive, joyful, awe and wonder seeking Jenni?
This isn’t the first time in my life that darkness has taken hold, but I believe it is the longest. One small comment, one action, and energy drains. One small drop of sadness and the ripples grow ever larger. A small black cat badly injured, part of my family, where has hope gone?
I could scream with frustration at the world, but haven’t the spare energy to do so, so I scream inside. What is wrong with me? Will I ever be content with myself and my life?
I don’t want to be old and tired, surely my birthday of 59 years didn’t flip a switch and shout, ha, now its all downhill.
I know I am struggling with this age thing and being retired, mostly, as well as the rest of the muck that was thrown my way, but honestly, I should be dancing and singing with joy. All those years of working so hard in the UK are now paying back and I can relax, but I don’t want to sleep and sit away the years I have left. And yet I have no motivation to find that joy.
I am so tired of feeling tired!
I visited my doctor who gave me a full MOT. Bloods, lung check and all were just fine. Heart tested. My broken heart is not broken. The moments of tightness probably mini panic attacks, too much fight and flight flowing in my veins. But I have nothing to fight or run away from. Only myself.
So, nothing physical then. A relief. No excuses for being tired. But I am.
I have been trying, thinking positive thoughts, mediating, being grateful, creating, looking for the sparks in every day, but I am still tired.
The swirls of darkness and sadness mixed with so much change is too much for this sensitive introvert to cope with, too much to hold inside, which is why I am sharing my journey with you. I am ashamed to say I am estranged, emotionally, from my family, not sharing their expression of grief, feeling so different and weird to not want to think about my dad’s cremation, it feels macabre. I don’t want to imagine ashes. I don’t want to plant a tree in memory of his death. I want him to remain whole and alive in my memory. I carry him in my heart, with my dad in law, my uncle, and my mum in law. Maybe that’s why my heart aches, it’s too full too quick and needs time to adjust.
I do have a few tears at times, and a small pang of pain.
I often feel ashamed, guilty, embarrassed at this sharing, as if I am offloading onto you, but that’s not what this is so please don’t take on my grief, just know that none of us are alone in this struggle with life. Baring my soul for any to see has been my process through the grief forest, and without you I would still be lost in the thickets or worse. Sharing this journey as a private person is painful, is almost like a punishment for not being stronger. A shaming of myself.
I hope I can forgive myself and be kinder to me, accept my mistakes and weaknesses, accept I have changed and that’s a good thing. I hope that soon I will find joy in living each and every day.
Words beneath the picture –
Its funny, looking at the collage I can see more light than I thought I’d put in. It felt darker. Maybe frustration is a positive step. I think the foggy white essence is the tiredness. I'm always amazed at what my subconscious produces.
I’m not sharing the words beneath the picture this time. They are aptly expressed in the words above.
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