Giving and Accepting Help

Giving and accepting help – personal experience and food for thought. Podcast

My husband and I have been with family in the UK for a few weeks. Family who are going through emotional and health related difficult times.

We are doing what we can while we are here: listening, being company, fixing broken things, rebuilding sheds, going on shopping trips to replace broken appliances, providing a distraction, thinking of solutions to problems, cooking, washing up, cleaning awkward or missed places, laughing, crying, doing puzzles together, walking, hugging, watching television, local taxi service (that’s my hubby), taking rubbish to the tip, being a calm in the storm.

All these actions are small and yet we are being continually thanked as if we were doing something special. We are just being family.

We’ve discovered that offering help can be as challenging as accepting help and it needs to be done with care and understanding.

Some find it harder than others to accept any help or support, some feel like they are a burden on our time and energy, especially the fiercely independent women.

We understand these feelings, how hard it is to admit when you can no longer do what you could before, how age brings many unwanted companions with it, how weary bodies can feel, how frustrating it is not to not have control over body or brain. How people want to be the carer and supporter not the cared for and supported.

We try to offer help in ways that do not offend, at differing levels depending on the person and their ability to accept help. We accept a ‘no thanks’ and understand if a suggestion is not taken up. We feel strongly that everyone has the right to live their life as they want, and we try not to impose our beliefs although we may share them as ideas and talking points.

Helping in whatever way we can brings us great pleasure and joy. We cannot wave a magic wand or turn back time, so we do what we can and are fulfilled and happy to do so.

Yes, I freely admit there are times we are tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and our own sadness at the situation can be overwhelming, but we accept and let go of what we cannot do, go for a cycle ride, read a book, draw, watch something we enjoy, find some space to be just the two of us together, or write to clear our heads.

We lean on each other and rest in the knowledge we are making a difference and spending precious time with our loved ones.

Many people see accepting help as negative -

A weakness, a failure, shame, being a burden, guilt at using someone else’s time and energy and not being able to ‘pay’ them back, not worthy of another’s time, feeling it is surrendering control to another, feelings that you should be able to do these things, anger at needing help, belief others will judge you as needy, feelings of vulnerability, and a lack of independence.

These feelings are not easy to let go of, but they are feelings and not truths and therefore can be challenged and changed. For example: ‘guilt at using someone else’s time and energy and not being able to ‘pay’ them back’ – well I expect you have given your time and support on numerous occasions throughout the giver’s life, especially if you are their parent, and therefore have paid in advance for their time.

It’s easy to automatically say no when help is offered but this is a missed opportunity for an inherent human need. We all need to matter and in helping others, we matter, and in accepting help from others, we matter too.

Instead of saying no, it’s good to stop and think and then be honest with yourself and whoever is offering to help. It could be something as simple as putting out rubbish bins. You may be quite capable of putting your bins out and be glad of the exercise, so thank, explain, and decline the offer, but if it is a physical struggle or you are in a hurry and putting out the bins will leave you hassled and late then accept with a smile and thanks.

Automatically saying yes, is not the answer either. Finding the balance, being honest with yourself and others seems to be the key.

Accepting help is very positive,

It leads to emotional closeness, a trust which goes both ways, an ease of burdens, an atmosphere of happiness as needs are taken care of and the giver is content and happy, giving and receiving is part of human socialisation, part of our very nurturing nature, it’s a gift both ways, fulfilling the giver as they show how much they care, affirmation that we all matter, recognition we all deserve another’s time, boosting of self esteem and worth, showing you have the strength to accept the changes in your life, making informed choices.

I think serious health and age-related acceptance of help comes with larger baggage, an underlying grief for what could be done and now can’t, a losing of identity. Society defines us as our jobs from a young age –how many times are young children asked, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ – and then we are ‘Retired’ when we stop our job. A retired teacher, and ex-nurse. Many people think of themselves in terms of what they do rather than what they think or feel. This makes accepting or asking for help very difficult, a very ‘can’t do anymore’ feeling, which may lead to depression. Some people feel their family role of being the provider or cook has to continue for them to have self-worth.

If negative feelings can be overruled, and the change of role accepted (for our roles have changed throughout our life) an interdependence connection that humans thrive on is created. Accepting help becomes the new role, and it is a vital role.

Accepting genuine offers of help into our lives means we continue to help and support others while being helped ourselves. Mutual benefits, we both matter, we both gain in self-worth and are therefore happier.

Accepting help can be challenging to any of us at any time in our lives, and I don’t expect I will be as gracious as I’d like to be when my older self needs help in the future, but I will try to remember the gist of this article I have written…

‘Accepting genuine help when it is needed

benefits the giver and the receiver in equal amounts.’

Jenni Clarke 2022

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